Loyalty of Fire
by dafmyns
Summary: First Hokage sets out for an epic adventure, in the midst of other happenings!


Part I

First Hokage woke up in his office and looked out of his window. It was nice and sunny, with flowers blossoming and birds singing in the trees. It was a perfect day for revenge. Everybody was stealing First Hokage's DNA, and First Hokage didn't like how everybody was stealing First Hokage's DNA. He felt the urge to spill blood over the nice and sunny day.

First Hokage got up and left his office. He approached the Seven Swordsmen of Leaf, who were his elite bodyguard force. FIrst Hokage told them that he was going to dedicate this day to bringing revenge upon everybody who stole his DNA.

"Yes sir," echoed the Seven Swordsmen of Mist.

First Hokage then passed near the kitchen and told Mito that she should make him breakfast.

First Hokage walked down the street and thought of whom to target first. Several options sprung to First Hokage's mind, as he dug through his memories. Then suddenly, First Hokage saw Sasame who was mowing the lawn. First Hokage walked on with his revengeful fantasies.

First Hokage decided to go to Hokage's building. The other Hokages were there.

As First Hokage entered the Hokage's building, he saw Tsunade leaving it.

"Where you heading, slut?" First Hokage asked.

"I was just-" Tsunami replied.

"No excuses for you, woman," said First Hokage, "go back or ANBU will catch you outside alone without a man."

He used his no jutsu to restrain her arms and escorted her back into the building.

Inside the Hokage's building it was quiet, because Fourth Hokage was in jail. Second and Third Hokage were present. They were smoking cigars, and Third Hokage was giving a speech about his plans to invade and enslave the Sand Men.

First Hokage waited for the audience to applaud before approaching the Hokages.

"Ah, Herr First Hokage, it is zo nice to see you," said Third Hokage to First Hokage.

"Morning, bro, how's your revenge going?" greeted him Second Hokage.

"I was just thinking about it," said First Hokage, "I thought you might have some suggestinons."

"Oh, for sure, Herr First Hokage, I am always in favor of elimination of common Gegner by means of joint venture," said Third Hokage.

"Here, I have ideas off the top of my mind: Danzo, your former loyal ally, who is long overdue to be liquidated – he has been secretly training people to fight in sewers for a few decades," said First Hokage, "then there is Kabuto, and his woman, Orochimaru.

"Can you suggest any more?"

"As a matter of fact, yes, I can," said Third Hokage, "Ze walking dead legend, Uchiha Madara, should also be on your list."

"UCHIHA MADARA? How could I have left him out?" screamed First Hokage in disbelief.

"Glad I could be of service, Herr First Hokage," replied Third Hokage calmly.

"These three DNA-criminals should be enough for today, bro," said Second Hokage.

"Yes, it's about time to move out."

Part II

The nice and sunny outlook wasn't so encouraging for Nagato, for whom it was another day when he had to occupy all his Six Paths of Pain as to avoid the deadly Boredom.

Breakfast was due, and breakfast wasn't there. So he dedicated one Path to check upon Konan, and punish her in case she strayed again.

But that still meant that boredom outnumbered occupation five to one.

Then suddenly he saw Jiraiya approach the Land of Rain. Now that was potentially interesting, and for more than one Path at once!

Out of the lack of other ideas, he dedicated the rest of Paths to Jiraiya. Whereupon the Path he dedicated to breakfast suddenly found out, that Konan was missing!

Silly woman, thought Nagato, she strayed from the Path of Kitchen again! But where did she go?

Meanwhile, the other five Paths faced Jiraiya, who was dressed as a frog. They pointed and laughed at him.

"Hush, student," said Jiraiya, "I come to kill you! RASENGAN!"

The Rasengan flew with the speed of light and hit four Paths. The fifth Path moved quickly as lightning and shouted, "SHINRA TENSEI!"

The Shinra Tensei appeared out of thin air and restrained Jiraiya to the ground.

Then suddenly, Jiraiya evaporated – it was a clone!

The real Jiraiya then landed on the fifth Path heavily.

"METEOROLOGY RELEASE: CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF FROGS!" shouted Jiraiya.

The four other Paths, who were just standing up, were hit by a raging storm of frogs!

"HA-HA!" laughed Jiraiya, "I said I come to kill you!"

"It's not over yet," said the Path that Jiraiya was standing on, "CHEWBACCA TENSEI!"

It struck Jiraiya like a wrath of God, he flew up to the sky and fell down again.

"You're finished!" shouted the five Paths of Pain in unison.

"SAGE MODE: ACTIVATE!" shouted Jiraiya. He lighted up, put on red make-up and charged at the Paths of Pain.

"BANSHEE TEN'IN!" screamed one Path of Pain, causing Jiraiya to float up and stop in mid-air.

"You are strong, student," said Jiraiya, "will you spare me if I share some classified information with you?"

"Leaf politics do not interest me," said one Path of Pain.

"But it may come in handy in your eternal struggle with the Boredom."

Nagato pondered. On one hand, he wanted to finish this already. On the other hand, every little helps in the fight with the deadly Boredom.

"Seriously, student, what good is there in my death for you? What do you gain? Why not just let me flee with the promise that you will never see me again?" begged Jiraiya.

"No!" shouted one Path of Pain in a fit of rage, and stabbed Jiraiya with a pipe.

"Oh well... haha.. who would have thought.." whispered the dying Jiraiya, "you've taken this so seriously... did you think I really wanted to kill you? I did this for... the laughs..."

This was his last words.

Then one Path of Pain shouted, "SOUL REMOVAL!" and extracted the intelligence from Jiraiya's body.

It seemed uninteresting to him – the same expansionistic ambitions that didn't make absolutely any sense. He was getting tired of it. But he decided to not interfere just yet – there were more actual problems at the moment.

The Sixth Path of Pain found Konan doing the unthinkable thing – fighting! This is hopeless, thought Nagato, for so many years, she refuses to understand where she belongs. But he decided to let her fight and watch, because this would be like she is getting the punishment on her own.

He soon realized that the person she was fighting was but Madara Uchiha! She stood no chance.

"Your paperwork is worthless, woman, just like yourself!" shouted Madara Uchiha.

He then screamed, "WOOD RELEASE: HANGING GARDENS OF BABYLON!" and trapped Konan in a wood.

He proceeded to shout "FIRE RELEASE: GRAND FIREBALL!" and lit the wood up.

Thus was Konan burnt alive. Well-deserved for her sins, thought Nagato.

Then Madara Uchiha teleported away in a puff of smoke.

Well, well, thought Nagato, who's going to make me breakfast now?

Part III

Raikage hated the sun and its irritating light. It was about the only thing that could make a bad morning even worse. He was about to snap right after awakening, but now it became an inevitability. Some walls were going to be crushed today...

"DARUI! SHEE!" screamed Raikage, enraged, "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

He watched his minions spring up out of nowhere.

"YOU'RE LATE!"

"Sir, yessir!" said Darui and Cee in unison.

"NOW SCRATCH MY BACK! IT'S BEEN ITCHING SINCE YESTERDAY EVENING!"

Darui and Cee exchanged looks.

"AND TELL MABUI TO GET MY BREAKFAST READY! I'M SO HUNGRY I'D EAT THE WHOLE COUNTRY!"

Darui and Shee backed away slowly; then Darui whispered, "Boss isn't in the best mood today."

"It's not like it's ever better," replied Shi, "we should be thankful."

"YOU! YES, YOU! WHAT ARE YOU WHISPERING? WHERE'S YOUR LOYALTY, EH? IS THIS A CONSPIRACY? SAY 'YES, SIR!'"

"Uhh, yes, sir?" replied Darui and C.

"GREAT, I SHALL CALL THE KAGE SUMMIT TO DEAL WITH THIS! TREARCHERY AMONG OUR RANK IS UNACCEPTABLE!"

"But the summit of Kages hasn't been called in an eternity, sir," said Darui and Shee.

"IT'S ABOUT TIME I GET SOME KAGES TO SCRATCH MY GODDAMN BACK! WHOSE FAULT IS IT THAT MY MINIONS ARE SO INCAPABLE? DISMISSED!"

And so, messages were sent out to every other Kage.

In the Land of Earth, Village of Stone, Tsuchikage received the message. Attempt after attempt, he was unsuccessful in deciphering its contents, until he decided to, at a whim, turn it upside down.

"Hey-hey, smawt cipher," he laughed, "it seemths we're going to hafe a Kage Summith. Oh, I remember the previous Kage Summith!"

In the Land of Water, Village of Mist, Ao received the message, even though it was addressed to Mizukage. Apparently the Raikage didn't know that Mizukage was a woman.

In the Land of Wind, Village of Sand, the Sand Men also received a message.

And in the sewers of the Land of Fire, Village of Leaf, Danzou, who was intercepting the governmental correspondence, read the message, and decided not to forward it to the real Hokage. This was a perfect opportunity to attempt a takeover - he decided to attend the Summit as the Hokage.

He called up two of his sewer rats and left the sewers. He saw the sun for the first time in many years, and the rats - for the first time in the lives.

"What is that big, burning thing? It's blinding me!" said one of the sewer rats. Another sewer rat, who was wearing shades, laughed at him.

The Sand Men also set out.

In the Village of Mist, Ao collected Mizukage from the kitchen and set out for the Kage Summit.

"Back in the days of the Bloody Mist, I would never have to carry a Mizukage around!" he said to nobody in particular.

Tsuchikage found it hard to collect himself, let alone anybody else. He was helped along by Akatsuchi, who had an overall better sense of direction and sight.

In the meantime, Raikage tried to wait patiently for the other Kages' arrival. Many walls were already broken, but that did not worry him, because many were still standing. At last, he broke the wall of the Summit Hall, and discovered that the Kages were assembled.

"WHY DIN'T NOBODY TELL ME YOU'VE ARRIVED? BLOODY, BLOODY MINIONS!" he shouted, enraged.

"Oooh, you'we still the same, ole man," said Tsuchikage.

"I shall speak first," said the Sand Man Kage.

"You'we a wee bit too young, boy," intercepted Tsuchikage, "I would like to know why Waikage decided to call us today."

"MY MINIONS ARE PLOTTING AGAINST ME, THAT'S WHY! YOU CANNOT TRUST NOBODY IN THIS WORLD! WE NEED TO JOIN FORCES IF WE WANT OUR PEOPLE TO BE SECURE!" screamed out Raikage.

"Oh, wes, wes, twust," replied Tsuchikage, "twust is a difficult mattew. I knew one ninwa who-"

"Cut the crap, old geezer," interrupted Ao, "we don't want to hear your stories."

"Oh, you are so diswespectful," said Tsuchikage.

"I think we should trust each other," said the Sand Man Kage, but nobody listened to him.

"So why did the Waikage summon us today?" asked Tsuchikage.

"ENOUGH!" shouted Raikage and smashed the table into pieces! Then suddenly, it rained bodyguard all over the hall.

Akatsuchi had good sight, but not good enough. He landed right on Tsuchikage. Sand Man Kage's bodyguards stood right in the middle of the hall, but nobody noticed them. Danzou's sewer rat who was blinded by the sun hit his head against the wall and passed out, prompting the one in shades to laugh again. Darui and C peeked from behind Raikage cautiously.

Silence ensued for a few minutes. It was then broken by Tsuchikage's muffled laughter.

"It's gotten dawk, hasn't it?" he croaked from under Akatsuchi.

Part IV

"Eins!" shouted Third Hokage, and heard a thousand synchronous feet land on the ground.

"Zwei!"

It was glorious. A giant Leaf symbol marching under a giant Leaf symbol.

"Drei!"

Then he noticed that Second Hokage was approaching him.

"Ja?"

"Did you hear the news?" asked Second Hokage, "Raikage called up a Kage Summit!"

"Let us discuss zis in my office," replied Third Hokage.

In the office, he said:

"Ze power vacuum zis creates in other countries is a good opportunity to strike, but I wish to know who is representing us zere."

"I believe it's Danzo," replied Second Hokage.

"Tell Herr First Hokage zat he should hurry up with his revengeful plots, for zis is unacceptable."

"I would, if I knew where he's gone."

"Still, we cannot miss zis opportunity. We are invading ze Land of Wind tomorrow. Let zis be known. I shall prepare ze speech."

And who knew where First Hokage was gone?

First Hokage knew.

First Hokage was preparing to invade Kabuto's secret hideout.

First Hokage arranged a meeting with a spy, who would provide him with necessary intelligence with regard to Kabuto.

The meeting was arranged to happen on a bridge between Heaven and Earth. First Hokage decided to put on a disguise.

"WOOD RELEASE: TOTAL MAKEOVER!" First Hokage shouted out and changed his visual appearance to that of Sasori!

First Hokage then reached the bridge, and saw five persons in a cape. First Hokage recognized, to his horror, the infamous Sound Four in a cape!

"What are you doing here, Sasori?" asked Sound Four, "we know that you're not real Sasori because we know where real Sasori is and real Sasori cannot be in two places at the same time. Reveal yourself."

"Bugger," said First Hokage and undid the disguise.

"Hey it's an enemy! Die!" shouted Sound Four.

"WOOD RELEASE: AMAZON RAINFOREST!" screamed First Hokage.

Suddenly, it started raining logs onto Sound Four! But they weren't going to give up so easily.

"COMBINATION TRANSFORMATION: VOLTRON!" shouted Sound Four, and the five of them combined to form Voltron!

Voltron started shooting bones and laser beams at First Hokage, who blocked them with wood.

Then First Hokage screamed "WATER RELEASE: BIG BADASS WATERFALL!" and washed Voltron off the bridge. But short First Hokage's victory was, for moments later, Voltron flew up onto the bridge on his thrusters and was back in action!

Voltron shot a web at First Hokage. The sticky stuff hit First Hokage and fixated him on the surface of the bridge. Then Voltron leaped to First Hokage and prepared to land a finishing blow, when it was suddenly revealed that it was a wooden clone of First Hokage!

"Nobody could see through my wooden clone – apart from Uchiha Madara!" shouted First Hokage, appearing above Voltron and landing on him, then proceeding to land punch after punch on his head.

Voltron lasted only so many punches, and fell apart. Exhausted, his parts didn't pose much of a challenge to First Hokage, who finished them one after another with little effort.

And so, First Hokage moved on to seek Kabuto's secret hideout on his own.

First Hokage walked through the countryside. Then suddenly, First Hokage saw Kujaku planting flowers. First Hokage walked on.

Then First Hokage walked out of the forest into a desert. But First Hokage knew that it isn't the Land of Wind, so he must have been getting closer to Kabuto's secret hideout.

First Hokage then saw a huge rock in the middle of the desert. Upon closer inspection, a door on the side of the rock was revealed.

And thus, First Hokage found Kabuto's secret hideout.

Part V

Meanwhile, at the Kage Summit, the bodyguards have collected themselves and got out of sight of the Kages. The shaded sewer rat lugged his unfortunate comrade away, and Akatsuchi turned on the lights for Tsuchikage.

"YOU'RE ALL HORRIBLE RULERS!" shouted Raikage. "YOU HAVE CRIME IN YOUR VILLAGES! SO UNLIKE MY VILLAGE! NOBODY COMMITS CRIMES IN MY VILLAGE, BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT COMMITTING A CRIME MEANS DEALING WITH ME! AND NOBODY WANTS TO DEAL WITH ME IN MY VILLAGE!

"NONE OF YOU ARE TRUSTWORTHY! I CAN'T TRUST ANY OF YOU TO SCRATCH MY ITCHING BACK!"

"Maybe we should try trusting each other for once," ventured the Sand Man Kage, but was, once again, ignored.

"You know, we should blame Uchiha Madara for all our troubles," said Danzo.

"Oh, I wemembew Uchifa Madawa," said Tsuchikage with enthusiasm.

"He's died a while ago, hasn't he?" said Ao.

"Oh, yef, yef, dead, certainly," said Tsuchikage.

"Our sources tell us otherwise," said Danzou. "In fact, he is considered a wanted criminal in the Land of Fire."

"But do you have any evidence that he's actively causing us such troubles as Raikage's itching back?" inquired Ao.

"You need to look at the global picture," replied Danzou. "For he is very powerful, and truly evil. Nobody has ever seen his true power, it is only known that he is wielding the power of the Sage of Six Paths."

"SAGE OF THE SIX PATHS? THAT'S A DUMB FAIRY TALE!" shouted Raikage. He wanted to smash the table, but, realizing there's already no table left, hit Darui's head instead. But Darui was used to such handling. I'm the boss' right hand after all, he thought to himself.

"It is, indeed, a fairy tale, but it is based on actual events," said Danzou. "And even if you do not believe it, Uchiha Madara's existence and threat is not a question of belief."

"YOU CAN'T JUST TELL ME WHAT TO THINK, YOU-" shouted Raikage.

Suddenly, Zetsu appeared out of the blue, and said, "Hello!"

The bodyguards came back for round two.

"Uchiha Madara is here!" screamed Zetsu.

"WHAAAA?" inquired Raikage, and promptly crushed Zetsu's skull to death.

Then suddenly, it rained wallpaper! And when the Kages looked at the ceiling, they gasped, for they saw Uchiha Madara standing there!

"Danzo Shimura! I came to collect First Hokage's DNA from you!" shouted Uchiha Madara.

But Danzo was already fleeing, together with his sewer rats, through the hole in the wall that was made earlier by Raikage.

"Pathetic!" shouted Uchiha Madara and prepared to follow him, but the Kages stepped in his way. "What, do you want to fight?"

"As a mattew of fact, yef," said Tsuchikage.

"Why not?" ventured the Sand Man Kage.

"Well, I'll just leave Mizukage here and check out what Danzou's up to. Somebody, keep an eye on her, okay?" said Ao and left.

"I shall gladly keep an eye on her – my special eye!" said Uchiha Madara, and fired up his Rinnegan.

"He's got the Rinnegan!" shouted C.

"SHINRA TENSEI!" shouted Uchiha Madara, and killed Mizukage with it.

"DUFT WELEAFE: DETAFMENT OF WE PWIMITIVE WOWLD!" shouted Tsuchikage, but Madara brushed it off with a laughter.

"Weak!"

"GUILLOTINE DROP!" shouted Raikage, and dropped a guillotine on Uchiha Madara. But it was a wooden clone!

The real Uchiha Madara appeared besides them and shouted, "SUSANOO!"

It appeared and started stabbing and clubbing everyone. It was a bloodbath!

"Ha-ha-ha! Nobody can beat me! No matter how you try!" laughed Uchiha Madara maniacally.

Suddenly, Raikage appeared behind him, and shouted "LARIAT!"

But Susanoo's ribcage protected Uchiha Madara!

Meanwhile, Sand Man Kage was trying to do something with his sand, or whatever.

All of a sudden, everyone heard a loud snort, followed by snoring. Tsuchikage fell asleep In the middle of the fight. Embarrassed, Akatsuchi started trying to awaken him. After a few attempts, Tsuchikage reluctantly opened his eyes.

"Where am I? Oh, is thewe a fiwt going on? Did I mith something?

"Oh, Ufifa Madawa! I remember a Ufifa Madawa from the good old days..."

"AMATERASU!" shouted Uchiha Madara, and Tsuchikage burnt to a crisp in a black flame.

"Hey, you've killed Tsuchikage! You bastards!" shrieked Akatsuchi. "But does that mean I am the Tsuchikage now?"

"TSUKUYOMI!" shouted Uchiha Madara, and put Akatsuchi in genjutsu.

"LIGHTNING OPPRESSION HORIZONTAL CHOP!" screamed Raikage and delivered the chop. But not even that was good enough to beat Uchiha Madara!

"WOOD RELEASE: SIBERIAN TAIGA!" shouted Uchiha Madara, and filled the whole hall with a forest.

"Ha-ha, FIRE RELEASE: FOREST FIRE!" shouted Uchiha Madara, and lit up the forest like a match!

He laughed and laughed, as a pyromaniac that he was, until the fire stopped burning, and only ashes remained.

In the meantime, Danzou and his sewer rats were fleeing through a forest, pursued by Ao.

"Somebody is pursuing us!" said one of the sewer rats.

"I think you've hit your head a little bit too hard," said the other. "Who in their right mind would pursue us?"

"Maybe they've mistaken us for someone important!"

"But I _am_ important," said Danzo, offended.

"What if it's Uchiha Madara?"

"Then go and stop him," said Danzou.

The sewer rat almost fainted – again! - but couldn't disobey an order. The other one followed.

They disappeared into the woods. And then Danzo realized that he hadn't a faintest clue where he was. Or where he was heading. At about the same time, Ao, who was previously trying to convince himself that he hasn't lost track of Danzo, realized the same.

Part VI

Naruto walked out of the Ramen Bar and waddled down the street, holding out his hand to prevent the sun from blinding him.

Morning already? Kind of early, he struggled to think. So, so I spent the whole dattebayoin' night at the Ramen Bar. Yeah. Funny how that happens, right, dattebayo. Now where was I going? Could just spend the whole day there again or something. Or maybe it wasn't. Oh wait, whatever. Should probably go home, or dattebayo. Can't leave Hinata alone at home for this long.. that won't do. Or was it Sakura? Dattebayo!

Suddenly, he stepped into a puddle of blood! He looked around, and saw Itachi massacring the Uchiha clan!

"What on dattebayou're doin'?" screamed Naruto in disbelief.

"Pssst, don't wake the dead!" replied Itachi cold-bloodedly.

Naruto stopped to think. Then he screamed:

"You don't just kill them like that! I challenge you!

"SHADOW CLONE NO JUTSU!"

The no jutsu pierced Itachi, and he dissolved into crows. It was a genjutsu!

"RASENGAN!" shouted Naruto, and charged at Itachi, who reappeared nearby.

But Itachi just dissolved into crows again. It still was a genjutsu!

"What are you trying to achieve? This is a genjutsu!" said Itachi, but Naruto ignored him.

"SHADOW CLONE NO JUTSU! RASENGAN! RASENGAN! SHADOW CLONE NO JUTSU!"

As Naruto charged at Itachi again, Itachi grabbed him by the throat and started stuffing crows into him!

"FAGE MODE!" said Naruto, with his mouth full of feathers.

He put on orange make-up, and his eyes turned into those of a toad.

"What part of 'this is a genjutsu' do you not understand?" asked Itachi, as Naruto charged at him again. He dissolved into crows once more.

Naruto was starting to rage at this point. "KYUUBI MODE: ENGAGE!" he shouted, and unleashed the Nine-Tails upon the Leaf!

Naruto began beating, kicking, smashing and breaking everything in his sight, including the numerous incarnations of Itachi, who was repeatedly dissolving into crows and coming back.

Naruto didn't give dust the time to settle, and was raging blindly at everything that moved and that didn't. In the end, nothing was left of the Leaf, or the Land of Fire, there was only a dead wasteland.

Fortunately, it was still a genjutsu.

Naruto collapsed out of exhaustment and passed out. Itachi sighed and carried on the massacre of the clan.

When Naruto recovered and stood up, he saw Itachi standing over the bodies of his former clansmen.

"Hey, you've killed the Uchihas! You bastard!" he screamed.

"Yeah, but I didn't kill you. You should be thankful." said Itachi.

"Why should I be thankful if you've killed your own clan?"

"Why do you care about my clan? They're mine, I do all the hell I want to them!"

That prompted Naruto to think again. It turned out that it was a genjutsu! In a while, he said:

"But that is only true for the women!"

"Speaking of women, maybe yours are already plotting against you," said Itachi. "Go home, stupid brat."

Naruto shrugged and went home.

At home, he discovered Sakura in the kitchen, but it suddenly occurred to him that it should be Hinata. So he started questioning Sakura about Hinata's whereabouts, whereupon Sakura told him that she does not know anybody by that name. That was suspicious!

That also meant that he would have to search for Hinata on his own. Why did he expect a woman to be useful, anyway?

Then suddenly, he started vomiting crows! Maybe something wasn't a genjutsu after all!

Part VII

First Hokage knocked on the door to Kabuto's secret hideout.

"Anybody home?"

After receiving no reply for a few minutes, First Hokage used his no jutsu to unlock and open the door. It was dark and spacious inside. First Hokage could hear echoes of a conversation going on somewhere in the other part of the room. And First Hokage realized, that somebody was plotting with Kabuto to betray the Leaf and help Kabuto invade Danzou!

First Hokage scratched his head and walked on.

Then First Hokage came across one of Danzo's sewer rats, who was just leaving. First Hokage walked on.

Then First Hokage saw Kabuto standing in the midst of experiments.

First Hokage's blood started boiling when First Hokage saw Kabuto! Never was First Hokage's revenge so close to being fulfilled.

But Kabuto did not notice First Hokage yet. This gave First Hokage a tactical advantage.

Suddenly, Orochimaru walked out of the kitchen and brought breakfast to Kabuto. She also was his experiment. Originally trying to create a useful woman, he settled with an obedient one after realizing that it wasn't how it was meant by Nature and therefore impossible.

Kabuto started eating his breakfast. First Hokage watched and realized that he didn't eat breakfast today. So First Hokage stepped forward from the shadow and said:

"Good morning, Kabuto. Would you mind to share some of your breakfast?"

Kabuto froze, surprised by the sudden appearance of First Hokage. Then he thought about it for a second, and said, "of course. Why not?"

Then they've started eating breakfast together.

"What an obedient woman you have," said First Hokage.

"Thanks, I've grown her myself. Took many years to find the correct formula, but it's paying off," replied Kabuto.

"She also cooks pretty well."

"That was some masterpiece engineering, yes," said Kabuto.

First Hokage then finished eating his breakfast, stood up and said:

"Well, actually I came here to avenge my DNA."

"Ah, that? What's the big deal about it?"

First Hokage stopped to think. And really, what was the big deal about it? But then he frowned and said:

"No! You won't sway me from my path of revenge! WOOD RELEASE: TIMBER CAMP!"

Kabuto's wooden table sprung into his face and knocked him onto the ground. But he quickly jumped onto his feet and said, "ah, so you want to fight? Then I will also fight! EDO TENSEI!"

And suddenly, a zombie of Sasori appeared out of thin air and attacked First Hokage with his puppet!

First Hokage shouted, "Hey, that's bro's no jutsu! But wait, I've got some of my own! EARTH RELEASE: WRATH OF MAGMA!" and destroyed the zombie of Sasori!

Then Kabuto shouted, "EDO TENSEI!" and summoned a zombie of Gaara!

"How useless! You unleash a Sand Man at me?" laughed First Hokage, destroying the zombie of Gaara with his bare left hand.

Then Kabuto shouted, "SUMMONING NO JUTSU: MANDA 2.0!" and Manda 2.0 appeared and started breaking furniture and dishes!

And First Hokage shouted, "WATER RELEASE: TIDAL WAVE!" and washed Manda 2.0 away into the sewer drain.

Then Kabuto wielded his chakra scalpel and started trying to get into melee with First Hokage.

But First Hokage shouted, "WOOD RELEASE: FISTS OF IRON TREE!" and hit Kabuto in the jaw with a fist of iron wood!

Kabuto rolled away and stood up after recovering. Then he shouted, "EDO TENSEI!" and a zombie of Kakuzu appeared!

"LIGHTNING RELEASE: STATIC ELECTRICITY!" shouted the zombie of Kakuzu, and many sparks appeared around First Hokage!

"WOOD RELEASE: MATCHSTICK FACTORY!" shouted First Hokage, and it started raining logs on the zombie of Kakuzu!

"FIRE RELEASE: CAMPFIRE!" shouted the zombie of Kakuzu. But it wasn't very effective...

"WATER RELEASE: TOILET FLUSH!" shouted First Hokage, and the zombie of Kakuzu was caught in a whirlpool!

"WIND RELEASE: COLD BREEZE!" shouted the zombie of Kakuzu from the whirlpool, gasping for breath. First Hokage was lifted up into the air but landed safely.

Then the zombie of Kakuzu drowned in the whirlpool and was destroyed.

First Hokage started looking around, searching for Kabuto, when suddenly, a lot of snakes were unleashed at him from the darkest corner in the room!

"WOOD RELEASE: IRON TREE BLADE HANDS!" shouted First Hokage, and started chopping the snakes up like spaghetti.

"Show yourself, Kabuto," said First Hokage, when the snakes have ended. "I am going to finish you. Or have you fled like a coward?"

Slowly and unsurely, Kabuto walked out of the darkness, ready to accept his fate.

First Hokage picked up a fork from the table and said, "ha-ha. Feel my revenge!"

First Hokage then proceeded to stab Kabuto to death with the fork until Kabuto died.

First Hokage was satisfied. One target was liquidated, and two more remained. This was fine progress. First Hokage walked out of Kabuto's secret hideout, and decided to look for Danzou next.

Part IIX

The word was sent out, and soon, the Leaf Army was fully mobilized and marching out very subtly across the desert. There was no way the Sand Men would notice them from afar, for their fortifications limited their field of view so much – such short-sighted people they were. The constant sand storm was also aiding Third Hokage in his plan.

By noon, they were in position. They marched into the village and started cleaning it up. Sand Men could put up no fight against the invaders – with their Kage absent, the weaklings were especially demoralized. Many of them made futile attempts to flee, or beg for mercy, and were slaughtered regardless.

By teatime, the village was lifeless. Nobody was spared. And so the invaders have gained the living space they so desired.

Third Hokage and Second Hokage organized a party in what used to be Sand Man Kage's building to celebrate the successful execution of Third Hokage's plan.

"It is zo nice to invade a country every once in a while," said Third Hokage. "Whose land shall we invade next?" he asked Second Hokage.

"That's a good question," replied Second Hokage, "for there are so many to choose from. For now, we should concentrate on civilizing this land we've just gained. At the moment it's just disgusting!"

"Oh yez, yez, I agrees fully with you," said Third Hokage. With all the celebrating, his speech was getting somewhat incoherent. "We shall demolish their buildings and replace them with giant Leaf symbols. That shall serve the memories of their wives and daughters well, oh yez, I believe you are absolutely correct on that one."

"And yeah, just make sure you don't give anybody any actual orders right now..."

"Why not? Or are you trying to suggest, that, haha? Hah, Herr Second Hokage, you are zo wrong on this one! I get more reasonable when I'm dr-r-runk!"

"Interesting hypothesis, but I wouldn't want to test it."

"You are such a koward, Herr Second Hokage – I always knew it!"

And so the party went on until midnight, when everybody fell asleep on the spot.

Meanwhile, in the mostly deserted Village of Leaf, nothing happened.

Fourth Hokage sat in jail quietly and rotted. He wasn't even allowed to communicate with the outside world, or see the sunlight, all because his teleportation irritated everyone too much. Hah! Who did they think they were to decide his fate? That scumbag Third Hokage, with his endless ambitions! What a worthless representative of society! But people always listen to these bastards instead of him. Just why?

Fourth Hokage wept on.

And Naruto was looking for Hinata. Or Sakura. He forgot which one he met at home earlier that day, so he was just looking for either. The quietness annoyed him, especially because he didn't know what caused it – just, suddenly, everyone was gone. Dattebayo! He must've missed something important, he understood that clearly, but he couldn't scramble his brain together, and there was nobody to ask anyway.

Then suddenly, he came across Shikamaru, who was solving crosswords.

"Oh hi, Naruto," said Shikamaru. "Know a word that means 'curved stick', five letters long, starting with 'd'?"

"Uhh.. Dattebayo? Oh wait, five letters."

Naruto stopped to make an attempt at thinking, but quickly gave up.

"See you later, and good luck with that word," he said and walked on.

He walked past Choji, who was stuffing himself with fast food like a vacuum cleaner.

"Hey, fatty," said Naruto. "Do you by any chance know where everyone's gone?"

Chouji, offended, threw an empty bag of chips at Naruto and said, "Shove off, thinny."

Well, damn, thought Naruto, seems like nobody's gonna tell me where everyone's gone.

Then it struck him that that's perfectly logical!

And so the day went on, until the Third and Second Hokage returned from what used to be the Village of Sand, and was now the Second Village of Leaf, named so after Second Hokage.

"Zo, all that remains to be done is a for-r-rest around the Second Village ov Leaf," said Third Hokage. "We shall wait with patience for Herr First Hokage to carry out his revengeful plots, come home and make it for us."

"Yes indeed," said Second Hokage. "Bro should do that again just fine."

Part IX

First Hokage was lost in woods. But that was perfectly fine, since woods were First Hokage's element. First Hokage felt right at home. First Hokage felt so like at home, that First Hokage was very surprised when First Hokage spotted a stranger walking around the wood.

"Halt! Friend or foe?" First Hokage shouted at the stranger.

"Oh crap," said the stranger, who was Ao. "You're the First Hokage!"

"Yes, I am First Hokage," said FIrst Hokage.

"In the woods! Alive! Have I accidentally entered a timespace distortion?"

First Hokage scratched his head. "No, why would you want to do that?"

First Hokage then recalled that "timespace" is something related to Fourth Hokage.

"Oh, are you on Fourth Hokage's team? You shall suffer!" First Hokage cried in rage.

Ao started running away, because he realized that an enraged First Hokage was the last thing in world he'd want to be up against right now.

"What a coward," said First Hokage to the forest.

First Hokage walked on, and suddenly saw two more strangers!

"Halt! Friends or foes?" First Hokage shouted at them, and they fainted!

"Well, now," First Hokage said, approaching the sewer rats, "this now looks like some of Danzou's underlings. Maybe he is nearby!"

First Hokage turned on his no jutsu sensing and sensed Danzo nearby!

First Hokage went and found Danzo walking through the woods, apparently lost.

"Halt, foe!" said First Hokage. "You are going to die for stealing my DNA!"

"Then I will fight," said Danzou, and unwrapped the bandage on his arm, to reveal a six-barrel revolving .80 gun!

"This is loaded with more sharingans than you can comfortably imagine!" he shouted.

"Hah," said First Hokage in response, "I am freshly from Kabuto's secret hideout – I can comfortably imagine many sharingans!"

Danzou started firing sharingans at First Hokage, who used wood to block them. But the sharingans breached through the wood! So First Hokage had to fight behind trees until he was out of Danzo's line of fire. Then First Hokage shouted, "WATER RELEASE: BONE-CRUSHING WAVE!" and released a wave upon Danzou!

But Danzo stopped the wave with a blow of his wind no jutsu!

Then First Hokage shouted, "WOOD RELEASE: MIND-BLOWING JUNGLE!" But they were already in woods, so it didn't work!

Then one of Danzo's sharingans hit First Hokage in his arm! "IZANAGI!" shouted Danzo, and First Hokage's arm started warping away!

But First Hokage didn't plan to give up! "BRINGER OF DARKNESS!" First Hokage shouted, and Danzo's sharingans became blinded and ineffective!

Then Danzou summoned his vacuum cleaner pet, who said, "This forest is already clean enough – call back later!" and disappeared. This gave First Hokage enough time to jump high into the air and prepare to land on Danzo, landing a surprise blow.

Then First Hokage landed a surprise blow on Danzo, knocking him away! Danzo shot more sharingans, but they were still blinded and didn't work! Then Danzou removed the bandages from his face, and revealed another sharingan! "KOTOAMATSUKAMI!" he shouted, and the kotoamatsukami appeared and started wrestling First Hokage! But First Hokage used his bare left hand to throw It off and kill it!

Then suddenly, First Hokage saw First Hokage's face on Danzou's shoulder.

"Oh hey, is that me?" First Hokage asked. "What am I doing on your shoulder?"

Then the expression of curiousity on First Hokage's face turned into that of anger.

"This is worse than DNA theft, this is just, oh I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill you twice!"

First Hokage proceeded to punch Danzou and beat him into a pulp. Then First Hokage held Danzou by his collar and put his face into a puddle, and held him down until he stopped moving.

Then First Hokage looked at First Hokage's face on Danzou's shoulder and thought, damn I'm so handsome!

Now, the only remaining target was – UCHIHA MADARA!

First Hokage's blood boiled on that thought.

What First Hokage didn't notice was that Ao and Danzou's sewer rats were peeking from the bushes all along. That is, until they started running away in panic, because they didn't want to share the fate of being drowned in a dirty puddle.

Part X

Meanwhile, in the Land of Grass, the Village of Leaf fought another small war for the grass. Kakashi, Iruka and Asuma were on a mission to eliminate guard partol of the Land of Grass and collect as much grass as they could carry.

They didn't run into any partols on their way in, and proceeded to collect three sacks of grass unnoticed.

"Damn, this thing is so heavy," whined Kakashi on their way back.

"Shut up," said Iruka, who hated Kakashi with passion. Which was fair, because Kakashi hated him as well.

Asuma was the only one enthusiastic about carrying a heavy sack of grass.

Then suddenly, they faced guard partol of the Land of Grass!

"Fine! We surrender!" shouted Kakashi, dropped his sack and started running away. The Grasslanders let him – they didn't look forward to taking prisoners anyway, and he left the grass, after all.

Then Asuma stepped forward and said, "We shall fight!"

Iruka tried to pretend that he is not involved in the situation.

Asuma then shouted, "CHAKRA-ENHANCED TRENCH KNIVES!" and put on his brass knuckles. He charged at the Grasslanders, who stepped aside to let him run past.

This only served to enrage Asuma, however. "You're just screwing with me! Why don't you fight like real men! FIRE RELEASE: ASH PILE BURNING!"

The ash pile burning appeared out of thin air and started burning Grasslanders! But Grasslanders used no jutsu to put it out safely.

Seeing that Asuma was in disadvantage, Iruka stepped forward and said, "Look guys, how about we also leave the grass and-"

"No! We aren't leaving any grass here!" interrupted Asuma. "I shall fight on! WIND RELEASE: FLYING SWALLOW!"

The flying swallows started flying in all directions like sun rays! The Grasslanders dodged and hid behind the trees. One flying swallow hit Iruka in his vital spot.

"Oh, bugger," said Asuma. "Why didn't you just get the hell out of its way?"

"But.. I am.. just an instructor in the academy.." said Iruka on his last breath. "I... can't dodge.. such a high-level no jutsu.."

Then Iruka collapsed onto the ground and died. Asuma sighed. Kakashi will be glad, he thought. Well, if I live to tell him, anyway.

He looked around and saw no Grasslanders anywhere. Well, then, It's just me and the grass, he thought, looking meaningfully at the three sacks. He wasn't sure how he was planning to transport it all back to the Leaf, since originally there were three of them, and now it was just him. Shame that he killed Iruka, could've kept him around for the extra lifting power, at least.

He sat on the ground and lit up a cigar. Well now, wasn't it a nice day? He pondered the sacks a little more. If I could vaporize the contents of the two of them right here, I would have just one to carry, he figured.

Then suddenly, he saw the Grasslanders return with the Demonic Statue of the Outer Path! Asuma's jaw dropped. Where did they get it from? Why did they bring it here? The questions flooded his mind. Then suddenly, he saw Uchiha Madara sitting on the statue's head and laughing.

"Uchiha Madara! Are you conspiring with the Land of Gr-"

"Oh, shut up, kid!" interrupted Uchiha Madara. "You are, as the late Tsuchikage would put it, a wee bit too young! Live for another hundred years, and you will also know what deathly boredom truly is!"

"They always said you were a traitor, but why cooperate with the Grasslanders?"

"Who told you I'm cooperating with anybody? Ha-ha, that's just a ridiculous thing to suggest! You really do lack experience, don't you?"

"Then what are you doing here?"

"I am just traversing land. Ha! And you are in my way! Incidentally, this buddy of the Outer Path is also an excellent killing machine!"

Asuma considered running away. But that'd make me too much like Kakashi, he thought, and remained where he was.

He watched the statue move closer and grow larger. "Who would've thought that you'd really not move?" asked Madara Uchiha nobody in particular.

The statue proceeded to crush Asuma and the sacks of grass together, fueling Madara Uchiha's maniacal laughter with fresh energy.

Part XI

Tired after extensive partying, Third Hokage was sitting in his office and smoking a cigar. Second Hokage was absent, probably looking for his brother, and so he had nobody to talk to. He was idly leafing through paperwork when suddenly, somebody knocked at the door.

"Come in," said Third Hokage, and Itachi entered his office.

"Sir, I have killed all the Uchihas I could find," said Itachi.

'Excellent! I knew you would live up to mein expectations, Herr Uchiha," said Third Hokage with a smile.

"Well, I'd like a reward now. I've heard we've recently invaded the Land of Wind, and it's currently unpopulated," Itachi told a frowning Third Hokage. "How about some 500 acres of land for me and my puppy?"

"Zat is a ridiculous thing to ask for, Herr Uchiha," replied Third Hokage. "And you are not supposed to be informed about our invasion."

"Oh, well, I am not, am I? Too bad," said Itachi calmly. "So you don't want to give me a reward, eh? SHARINGAN!"

Itachi activated his sharingan. Third Hokage said, "Zo you want to fight?"

"No, I am just going to force you to give me my land. IZANAMI!" shouted Itachi.

But unexpectedly, this only prompted Third Hokage to laugh out loudly.

"Zis no jutsu does not work on me, mein naïve friend," he said, barely containing his laughter. "Because I'm a Nazi!"

"Oh no!" said Itachi, "This is Izanami's only weakness!"

"Yes, ze inventor of ze no jutsu was smart enough to protect himself from its effects! He even named ze no jutsu after himself, only spelling it backwards!"

"But who could have that been? All the Uchihas were traditionally leftist," said Itachi with surprise.

"Ah, zo you do not know everything, zen? Ha-ha!"

"DESHARINGAN!" shouted Itachi, and turned his sharingan off. "Well, damn, I still want a reward."

"Technically you are eligible for punishment for ze attempted assault," said Third Hokage while puffing smoke. "But you are zo useful, I think I shall just send you for some very dangerouz mission instead."

He looked through his paperwork swiftly and dug out a particular paper.

"Here is all ze intelligence on Uchiha Madara zat we have," he said, showing Itachi the paper. "If you want to redeem yourself, Herr Uchiha, liquidate zat bastard. And maybe I shall give you a reward then."

Itachi nodded. "I knew that there was some Uchiha that I've missed..."

"Also, First Hokage is after Madara Uchiha as well," continued Third Hokage, "zo make sure to not interfere with his plan, or he might kill you by accident."

"I shall do what I can," said Itachi, saluted and left. If he's using the Demonic State of the Outer Path as a vehicle, he reasoned, he can't be too hard to find. Of course, there was plenty of giant woods to hide in...

And Third Hokage continued through his daily routine. Next up was planning the next invasions. He stared at the map until Second Hokage returned.

"Hey, did you hear the news?" asked Second Hokage upon entering. "Uchiha Madara has apparently murdered every Kage who was present at the Kage Summit!"

"Zat is impressive! I really wish we could have Madara Uchiha among our ranks," replied Third Hokage excitedly. "We shall invade every country immediately!"

"Uh, not so fast, I guess. There's no rush, after all."

"What do you mean, no rush? Zey are going to try to reestablish local governments! We cannot let zat happen!"

Third Hokage stood up and started walking back and forth around the office. He then walked up to the map and stared at it some more.

"We shall start with ze Land of Earth," he said after some time. "Zen we shall continue with ze Land of Water, ze Land of Lightning. Zen ze rest shall surrender to us on their own. And zus shall ze Fire reign supreme."

"We surely aren't going to do all that in a single day," said Second Hokage.

"Of course not," said Third Hokage, "we haven't yet secured our presence in ze Land of Wind. We shall use it to our strategical advantage and plan an invasion of ze Land of Earth accordingly."

"I'll do the preparations, then," said Second Hokage.

"Ja," said Third Hokage, prompting Second Hokage to salute and leave.

When Second Hokage left the office, he saw Itachi hanging around.

"What are you doing here?" asked Second Hokage. "Eavesdropping, eh?"

"Uh, I was just.. leaving really slowly, okay?" answered Itachi, blushing.

"Hey, traitoring's baaad. Don't do that ever again," said Second Hokage and walked on.

Itachi waited until Second Hokage left, and left also, but headed in a different direction. He never liked Third Hokage much, but now he was getting tired of the merciless expansionism. He could never understand how people could kill other people so easily. He wanted to stop it all. So he went to the site of the Kage Summit, looking for representatives of other Lands who might have remained.

He quickly reached the site, which was in ruins. What he assumed was the meeting hall was filled with an enormous pile of ashes. The rest was ruined by somebody's nervous fits. It was quiet. He used no jutsu and found a barely conscious person in the rubble – it was C.

"Oh my god, that's an Uchiha with a sharingan!" shouted Shee upon seeing Itachi.

"Calm down, you," said Itachi, "and tell me if anybody else is alive."

"I.. uh.. maybe? No.. I guess not." said Cee, unsure.

"As a matter of fact, there is," said a voice. Itachi and Shi turned to see Ao standing on the rubble.

"And what are you doing here?" asked Cee.

"I was just running away from the mad First Hokage. He killed Danzou somewhere in the forest, and could've killed me as well, I swear."

"You are from the Land of Lightning, aren't you?" Itachi asked Shee, who nodded in reply. "And you," said he, turning to Ao, "are from the Land of Water. So listen up. Third Hokage is planning to invade you all. First the Land of Earth, then Water, and then Lightning."

Shee gasped.

"I saw that coming," said Ao.

"And I want to stop that, but clearly you all need to unite to be able to put up a fight with the Land of Fire. They might be invading the Land of Earth as soon as tomorrow."

"It would be good to engage them there, and push them back," said Ao. "But everybody is so demoralized after the deaths of the Kages – how are we going to do that?"

"What, somebody's demoralized after a death of a woman?" asked Cee, surprised.

"Well... it is not as much about the individuals as about the massacre," answered Ao.

"Well, it's nothing unfixable. Go to your villages, tell your folk what situation we're in. Lead them to battle and glorious victory under the united flag of the Allied powers," said Itachi. "I will try to provide you with as much intelligence as I can."

At this, they left the site.

Part XII

First Hokage was looking for Uchiha Madara. First Hokage soon realized that it was like searching for a needle in a haystack. First Hokage already traversed a lot of land in fruitless search and was ready to leave it for another day, when suddenly, somebody who looked like Uchiha Madara caught First Hokage's eye!

First Hokage decided to ambush the person, who was walking incautiously and whistling a tune. First Hokage created a bush in the middle of the road and hid in it. When the person passed by, First Hokage jumped out of the bush and held the person down to the ground.

"Who are you? Tell!" he asked.

The person was scared and tried to break free, but First Hokage used no jutsu to restrain him.

"Name yourself!" First Hokage repeated.

"I am, uh.. Shisui Uchiha," finally replied the person.

"UCHIHA!" shouted First Hokage, his blood boiling, causing Shisui to close his eyes in terror. "Oh wait, Sushi, you said?" continued First Hokage calmly.

"Sh-shisui," repeated Shisui.

"Not Madara, right?" hazarded First Hokage.

"Right," replied Shisui. "Never heard of him, even."

First Hokage freed Shisui, who ran off quickly, and walked on. Damn Uchihas, thought First Hokage, hid their Madara somewhere pretty well.

And so First Hokage walked on, until another person caught his eye. This time, the person was clearly involved in criminal activity! First Hokage decided that there was no time for ambush and attacked the person immediately. "WATER RELEASE: FOUNTAIN OF DEATH!" First Hokage shouted, as the person tried to flee in panic. First Hokage knocked the person on the ground with no jutsu and restrained him.

"And who would you be? You look like Uchiha Madara!" said First Hokage.

"I am not Uchiha Madara! I swear!" replied the person. "I am Obito Uchiha!"

"Ah, another Uchiha? You all are conspiring against me! Where is Madara?"

"I have no idea! I thought he was dead!" said decidedly unhelpful Obito.

"Obito... I've heard about you somewhere. Wasn't it you from whom Kakashi nicked his fancy eye some time ago?"

"Yeah, that bastard..." said Obito. "I'd have killed him back then, or now, but I just can't find him anywhere. I guess he's to me a bit like what Madara is to you."

First Hokage thought about that. "Well, having arch-enemies is good for you," First Hokage said and let Obito go.

First Hokage walked on. Then First Hokage saw another person. This is definitely Uchiha Madara, thought First Hokage as he prepared to attack the person. But the person reacted fast and attacked First Hokage first! "FIRE RELEASE: GRAND FIREBALL!" shouted the person, releasing a pillar of light in the direction of First Hokage and blasting him away!

"WOOD RELEASE: SPANNING TREE!" shouted First Hokage, and it rained logs onto the person!

"FIRE RELEASE: FOREST FIRE!" shouted the person and started a forest fire.

"Noooo!" shouted First Hokage. "How dare you burn the trees? My trees! WOOD RELEASE: REVENGE OF THE WOOD!"

The trees came alive and grabbed the person by throat. But it was a genjutsu!

"Argh!" shouted First Hokage. "WATER RELEASE: RETURN OF CTHULHU!"

Suddenly, the surrounding environment twisted and deformed, and Cthulhu rose up from an ocean that wasn't there previously!

First Hokage found himself lost in a maze of unrealistic geometry. First Hokage looked at a wall next to him, covered in horrible writing that radiated ancient evil, and thought that those beasts from the outer space sure were bored.

Then First Hokage realized that the person – who, as he was sure by now, was Uchiha Madara – put Cthulhu into genjutsu! First Hokage also realized that the person got really exhausted while doing so, and restrained him!

"Uchiha Madara! I kill you now," First Hokage said.

"But I am not Uchiha Madara! I am Kagami!" shouted the person desperately. "Now can I just go home?"

First Hokage looked around. Indeed, the environment has become rather unfriendly. First Hokage thought that it wasn't bad to look at a green sun for a change.

"If you really aren't Uchiha Madara..." First Hokage started.

"I have nothing to do with him, even," replied Kagami.

"Nothing? But you are an Uchiha."

"Why do you think so?" asked Kagami with a poker face.

"You have a sharingan. Only Uchihas have sharingans."

"But what if I killed an Uchiha and took his sharingans?"

"You can't kill an Uchiha."

Kagami was surprised, but didn't answer.

"Well, anyway, I guess I'll let you go... Just let the beast wake up," First Hokage said, gesturing at Cthulhu.

"Yeah, okay," said Kagami and released the genjutsu. Cthulhu woke up, roared and started raging, but somehow First Hokage and Kagami returned from the Otherworld safely.

First Hokage walked on, wondering where Madara Uchiha was, after all.

Part XIII

Third Hokage watched the battlefield from a high tower. The resistance they've met was unexpected, and this bothered Third Hokage. They were the Land of Fire, nobody was supposed to meet them with resistance.

Moreover, the people who resisted seemed to consist of citizens of various lands, and this worried Third Hokage. Did somebody see the invasion coming and forge alliances behind this back?

He watched casualities accumulate on both sides.

He was going to take the Land of Earth, even if this meant losing half of his army.

Down on the battlefield, blood, terror and chaotic panic filled the air. People weren't really used to fighting in such large-scale wars, and nobody knew what to do. Friends were mistaken for foes, foes for friends. One person started screaming and running after receiving a wound in his vital spot. It was Ebisu – his end was near, and he knew it. Soon after, he collapsed on the ground and died.

What am I doing here? Kakashi thought to himself. He was unnoticed by the enemy as of yet, but he knew that it was a matter of time. He was about to move to a better hiding spot, when suddenly, he felt a tingling chill in his back. Somebody stabbed him with a kunai.

"Oh, sorry," said Inoichi. "I thought you were an enemy. Look, I'm really, terribly sorry," he continued, as Kakashi started losing his grip on reality, with blood gushing out of his wound.

"Oh, crap," said Inoichi, as Kakashi passed away.

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the battlefield, Ao and C were sitting in makeshift quarters and commanding their men.

"How did I end up like this?" said Cee, when temporarily free from his obligations as a commander. "I'm so young, this is the first war in my life!"

"Stop whining and man up," replied Ao.

They carried on with their duties.

The battle was going on fiercely. No jutsu were flying high and low, hitting and missing. Deidara was making nuclear explosions, Kisame unleashed his pet giant shark on the battlefield, Hidan was handing out explanationary pamphlets about Jashinism, Choza was going around and stomping everyone, Dan was turning into a ghost and back repeatedly, and Seimei was using Rotating Whirlwind Cannon.

Hiashi was locked in a fierce fight with a zombie of Hizashi, who just turned up and attacked him with no explanation. And so did all the people who wanted to help him – they just couldn't tell which of them was which.

Shibi tried to fight, but nobody seemed to notice him.

Meanwhile in the Land of Rain, Nagato noticed somebody approaching his headquarters again!

This time, he recognized Uchiha Itachi. What would he need from me? Nagato thought.

He dispatched a few Paths of Pain to deal with it.

Upon meeting the Paths of Pain, Itachi said, "Hello."

"Uchiha Itachi! What brings you here?" asked the Paths.

"We need assistance in our war against the Leaf. There is a battle going for the Land of Earth at the moment. If they manage to take it, we will be in a large disadvantage."

"So are you suggesting that I should intervene?" asked the Paths.

"Yes. Why wouldn't you? You're always trying to find new ways to use up your free time."

"And what if I want to fight on their side?"

"Surely you also don't like Third Hokage and his policies."

"Well, fine. I'll fight." said the Paths and teleported away.

I should go and fight, too, thought Itachi.

Soon, the Six Paths of Pain arrived at the battlefield, and immediately havoc ensued. Shinra Tenseis flew in all directions, and Chewbacca Tenseis were dispatched, armed and ready for action.

Itachi's arrival followed shortly. He started using a lot of no jutsu against the enemy.

Third Hokage noticed that and said to Second Hokage, "Look at that, ze bastard is fighting on zeir side! How could zis happen?"

"Yeah, he's been doing double-agenting and traitoring as a hobby for a long while..." said Second Hokage.

"He probably gave out our invasion plans. Zis is why we are meeting such assorted resistance here. Gotterdammierung! Should have known better and had him shot long ago!"

He dispatched Gai to fight Itachi. Upon getting to sufficiently close range, Guy shouted "MORNING PEACOCK!" and released a morning peacock onto Itachi! But Itachi dissolved into crows. It was already a genjutsu!

"Crap! I didn't even look into his eyes!" said baffled Gai. He then shouted, "REVERSE LOTUS!" and tried to break out of the genjutsu, but it was as strong as concrete!

Then Itachi shouted, "AMATERASU!" and set Gai on fire. But Guy outrun the fire and put it out! Then he shouted, "GATE OF OBLIVION: OPEN!" and finally broke free from the genjutsu! As a side effect, Sheogorath was summoned. He started laughing, catching and redirecting no jutsu that sweeped past, and doing absurd things with his cane. But he quickly got bored and returned to the Oblivion.

And Gai started trying to attack Itachi without getting into any more genjutsu. "AFTERNOON TIGER!" he shouted, and the tiger roared loudly, causing itachi to stagger. But he quickly regained his footing and shouted back, "TSUKUYOMI!" and Gai was in genjutsu again!

Suddenly, a laughter, akin to that of Sheogorath, boomed. The Demonic Statue of the Outer Path showed up on the horizon. Guy snapped out of genjutsu, and stood, along with all the other people, who have ceased fighting, and stared at the approaching doom.

"Well, well," said Uchiha Madara, "what are you doing here? Partyin'? Celebratin'? Did I miss all the drama?"

And suddenly, it started raining asteroids!

Part XIV

First Hokage was still looking for Uchiha Madara, and still encountering all the wrong people.

First Hokage came across Fuu. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?" First Hokage asked.

"Nope," answered Fu.

First Hokage shrugged and walked on.

Suddenly First Hokage realized that he's in the Mountain's Graveyard. What First Hokage found there astonished him. First, there was his Living Clone. Second, there was an army of white Zetsu clones! A whole army! There was also Yamato stuck in the wall near First Hokage's Living Clone.

First Hokage looked at his Living Clone as if it was a mirror. Then First Hokage realized that this was just large-scale DNA theft that he was fighting! And First Hokage decided to destroy everything in his sight.

First Hokage demolished his Living Clone, reduced Yamato to a pile of broken branches, and drowned the army of clones in a big flood.

First Hokage then walked out of Mountain's Graveyard, and turned it into a pretty forest. First Hokage was great at making pretty forests.

Then suddenly, the ground shook. Then it shook again. First Hokage ran in the direction of the shaking, and saw meteorites fall! First Hokage's blood boiled once again – this certainly was Madara Uchiha's job!

Upon coming closer, First Hokage saw the Demonic Statue of the Outer Path. He approached it and shouted, "Madara Uchiha! I come to fight you!"

Uchiha Madara looked down and said, "Ah, my good old friend!" He then jumped down from the Demonic State of the Outer Path and faced First Hokage. "Fight, you say?" he asked, cracking his knuckles. "Well, then fight we shall!"

First Hokage's blood boiled non-stop now, he was tapping the ground impatiently.

"WOOD RELEASE: ADVENT OF THE WORLD OF FLOWEING TREES!" shouted FIrst Hokage and Madara Uchiha in unison. The advents collided and exploded!

"FIRE RELEASE: MAJESTIC ANNIHILATION!" shouted Uchiha Madara.

"WATER RELEASE: WATER DRAGON BULLET!" shouted First Hokage. The no jutsu collided in the air, and created a great ball of steam!

"SUSANOO!" shouted Madara Uchiha, and his Susanoo appeared.

"Not fair!" shouted First Hokage. "I don't have anything like that! WOOD RELEASE: WOODEN MECHA!" and grew a giant mecha around himself!

"YASAKA MAGATAMA!" shouted Uchiha Madara, and hit First Hokage's mecha on its head with a magatama! But FIrst Hokage resisted!

"EARTH RELEASE: DEVOURING EARTH!" shouted First Hokage, causing earth to devour Madara Uchiha! But Susanoo deflected the earth!

"RINNEGAN!" shouted Uchiha Madara. "Ha-ha-ha!" he laughed maniacally, and used the Rinnegan no jutsu to blast First Hokage's mecha and send it flying to the moon and back!

"HOKAGE-STYLE!" shouted First Hokage upon landing. First Hokage barely dodged an asteroid before continuing, "SIXTY-YEARS-OLD NO JUTSU!" First Hokage deflected Susanoo with his left hand and shouted further, "KAKUAN ENTERING SOCIETY WITH!" First Hokage dodged a fireball from Madara Uchiha and shouted, "BLISS-BRINGING HANDS!"

The no jutsu knocked Susanoo down and sent it rolling across the land!

"WOOD RELEASE: NATIVITY OF THE WORLD OF TREES!" First Hokage and Uchiha Madara shouted in unison again, and the nativity hit them both! First Hokage recovered first and shouted, "WATER RELEASE: GIANT TEARING TORRENT!" and the torrent hit and tore Susanoo to pieces!

Uchiha Madara shouted, "FIRE RELEASE: DISGRACEFUL EXTERMINATION!" and First Hokage's mecha burnt to crisp!

By this time, the armies were mostly destroyed by FIrst Hokage's and Uchiha Madara's fight. Third Hokage watched this unfold from the safety of his tower, when suddenly, Itachi entered the room!

"Ah, ze traitor! I always knew you'd come to no good," Third Hokage said to him.

"I came to stop this madness," said Itachi.

"You're a little bit late, Herr Uchiha. Ze people have already died!"

"But you are mad, and you're still alive, so I still can stop you."

"Maybe you should go after Uchiha Madara – he is way more mad zan me."

"Do I look mad to you? But I am wasting my time. TSUKUYOMI!"

Itachi restrained Third Hokage and warped him away.

Meanwhile, First Hokage and Uchiha Madara still fought. For every strength of one of them, the other had a match, and so neither of them could win or lose.

They fought on till the sun set and they couldn't see each other anymore. Whereupon First Hokage said, "It's gotten dark, hasn't it."

"Yes, certainly," replied Uchiha Madara.

"At this time of day, I normally go home and eat dinner," said First Hokage.

"What a coincidence, I do that too." Uchiha Madara thought for a second and said, "Mind to share your dinner with me?"

"Of course not, Mito can just cook more if I ask her to."

And so First Hokage and Uchiha Madara went to First Hokage's home, and ate dinner.

Part XV (Epilogue)

The sun seemed unusually bright to Fourth Hokage, who just walked out of the prison. Or maybe it was that he hasn't seen it in more than twenty years. He was pretty excited about his perspectives: he was to succeed Third Hokage again, possibly for longer this time.

He didn't have a chance to attend Third Hokage's trial, but he's heard it wasn't particulary interesting. The bastard ended up in jail anyway, and Fourth Hokage thought it was only fair.

He entered the Hokage building and walked up into the office. He opened the window. It was going to take a while for the cigar stink to completely disappear. Second Hokage was shuffling through the paperwork, exchanging old papers for new ones, without as many Leaf symbols.

"So uh," said Fourth Hokage, "How do you rule a country, again?"

The same question boggled the minds of Ao and Cee, who were left in the positions of rulers in their respective countries. But at least there was no war going on, so the outlook was, overall, pretty good.

The question did not, however, bother Nagato at all. He had more important matters to sort out, such as what to do with all the free time, multiplied by six.

And the person who had no issues with free time was Uchiha Madara. He decided it was, once again, time to disappear for a few centuries. The Demonic Statue of the Outer Path agreed, so he even had company of a sort.

The Land of Earth was uninhabitable, and the Land of Wind was uninhabited.

Itachi had an uncertain number of remaining clansmen to hunt down, but was planning to lead a quiet, normal life once that was done.

And who knew where First Hokage was gone?

First Hokage knew.

The End


End file.
